Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tonight was fine. I feel down, but I'm not I just don't have any energy or intrest in anything really. It sucks bad.. I've felt severe depression before, completely down- crying not wanting to move, but at least I felt something. Now I just feel so blah... and it's worse.. it's so much worse... I keep bombing in stand-up and I used to never come close.. now I almost get stage fright it's weird.. I'm so good around people - just don't feel like being in the spot light or talking about anything at all lately, but I've been so relaxed and focused... and able to concentrate.. and nothing has changed as far as diet, daily activity or taking drugs.. in fact I've been pretty clean for awhile... Haven't smoked in so long, and I'm starting to think not doing so is perhaps making me see life to stale. Who knows.. anyways.. And yes I know I do the "..." bullshit, but I'm basicly going right off the top of my head so fuck it and fuck spell checking this after. Tonight Emma came and she was sooo fucking cute and flirty I think Idk I don't even wanna try, she is to good for me. I don't mean that in a boo whoo bullshit fag way I mean that - she is in college on her 4th year works 2 jobs is goregous as all fuck.. wonderful sense of humor - full of energy just -- everything I want. And I have liked her for so long and we get along so well... I just want her to stay in my life I don't want to fuck shit up... + the rejection would suck.. + I'm leaving for the army feb 14th 2011. Sigh. Well off to go ride my bike for a little bit. I need to get some energy, I need to lose a few pounds or something maybe I'll feel better. Have a good one everyone.